deskclerk's Xanga

I wish...

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 05:48:53 GMT

upon a star. So many things, so many desires that go against reality. Go against fairness, responsibility. I have dreams and aspirations like anyone else.

Time. Money. Constraints that are worldly, constraints that bind us to the unnecessary. Necessary constraints in our society that bind us to the unnecessary...how coincidentally inconvenient. Counter intuitive.

Why must we be bound by the chains of society, bound by these expectations, rules, responsibilities. It is drowning me, drowning me slowly. I am struggling to gasp for air, but at the same time, the hope of beating the struggle appears worth it.

The struggle - my life. My future. My well being. My brain. My worries.

Existentialism. Purpose. Fulfillment. Self-Actualization. Hurdles to be jumped, mountains to be scaled, lands to be conquered.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know where I'm going. I want a direction, a certain path. I don't want the foggy, dark, mysterious woods. I'm done with that. I'm done with the thrill of the dark unknown.

SNOW

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:32:33 GMT

People

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 23:21:43 GMT

There a lot of people out there that deserve my thanks and much more from me. You probably don't know who you are, but I do. And hopefully someday...you will.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:30:21 GMT

Coming to the realization that you are just like everyone else...you are average...you are normal...how do we deal with this horrible truth? The dreams and ideals that American culture have taught us are false; the individual is not special. Most of us are average...and there's really not much you can do about it. You can fantasize that you'll be a bigshot celebrity...you think that believing it will somehow give you the talent. the motivation. the power. but it never will.

You will be just another one of us. Another person with another job, another pet, another spouse, another fridge, another car, another house. Working from 9 to 5 in a god forsaken cubicle, desk, office, whatever...staring at a glowing screen for hours at a day. Oh how was your week? School work huh? Getting busy right? Just trying to live through the week? Have any plans for the weekend? Oh I'm sure that'll be fun.

But some of us get to ride the oceans, some will travel around the globe, some will go into space. Some of us will break free of the cycle and live...to live.

Let's live to live.

Nothing Profound

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:44:45 GMT

All my life I have tried to assign existence some sort of meaning, some sort of purpose. My existential crisis tsunamied itself into my life, devastating the house of my mind, removing my mental shelter. Ever since I then I have tried to rebuild those structures. I wanted to make them stronger, I wanted to make them impenetrable. But then I realized, there is no impenetrable defense.

It is impossible to try to rebuild that security, because a tsunami is an unstoppable force. The tsunami seeks not to destroy you, seeks not to hunt you down and murder you. No, it has no purpose. It is simply part of the equation of the system we call the Earth, of the system we call the Universe. Which is exactly what we must all come to realize.

Like a tsunami, life has no real purpose other than to exist. Life is just another part of the system. Once you realize what your existential crisis is really trying to teach you, you will realize that the tsunami isn't just a tsunami; its a gigantic wave, begging to be surfed. And you'll ride it, not because you realize you'll be otherwise killed by it, but because that is the only thing to do.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tue, 26 May 2009 19:10:52 GMT

blah blah blah life love rants stress blah blah blah

GOALS

Tue, 12 May 2009 03:25:23 GMT

Organize, Organize, Organize
Get a lot more hardcore in Psychology
Learn how to NOT complain so fucking much
Finish the god damn house extension
Practice Guitar, get my skills back
Draw a lot
Get my fucking GAME on

OH, MEGAN!

Mon, 04 May 2009 18:06:50 GMT

Identity and Emulation

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:06:34 GMT

I express myself using the cliches of others. if this is so, do I have a self? Where is my originality? My creativity? Is my uniqueness defined by the fact that I imitate the world around me?

I have become what I used to hate, and I hate what I used to be. Oh, the Irony of it all. If only I had known.

The Real Problem

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:38:25 GMT

Whats wrong with me? Really? Chemical imbalances? Is there someone else to blame? Why do I blame myself when I'm not to blame, and why do I blame someone else when I am to blame?

What does my mind think the way it does? Why can't I be more positive? More optimistic? Why can't I look towards the future with an open mind and an open heart?

Why can't I just get things done? Why can't I just take responsibility? Why do I procrastinate SO MUCH? Why am I such a Rebel wannabe? Why am I so god damned lazy?

Why am I on xanga listing all the things I hate about myself? Instead of shutting up, and trying to change?

I've changed so many things about myself, but why can't I change these?